Parenting Kindly

Let’s be real: toddler tantrums are loud, unpredictable, and sometimes (okay, often) completely exhausting. You’re at the grocery store. Or trying to get out the door. Or simply said “no” to a third cup of juice… and suddenly your sweet little one is on the floor screaming.

Here’s the thing: tantrums aren’t a sign your child is spoiled, defiant, or broken. They’re a normal part of development, and actually a healthy sign that your toddler is learning how to feel and express big emotions.

Here’s what’s really going on during tantrums, and how you can respond in a way that supports their growth and protects your peace.

1. Why Tantrums Happen (It’s Not About You)

Tantrums are a toddler’s way of saying:

“I have big feelings, but I don’t have the words, tools, or brain development to handle them.”

In early childhood, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and logic (the prefrontal cortex) is still under construction. So when a toddler gets overwhelmed, they feel first, and hard.

Common tantrum triggers:

• Transitions (leaving the park, bedtime)
• Hunger or overtiredness
• Lack of control or independence
• Too much stimulation
• Not feeling heard

2. What to Do During the Tantrum

It’s tempting to reason, distract, or even snap, especially when you’re tired. But in the middle of a meltdown, your toddler’s brain can’t process logic. What they need most is your calm presence.

Try:

• Getting down to their level
• Soft eye contact (if they allow it)
• A calm voice: “You’re safe. I’m here. I know this is hard.”
• Stay close without overpowering, offer a hug, but don’t force it

Remember: your calm helps regulate their chaos.

3. Offer Choices to Prevent Power Struggles

Montessori parenting focuses on giving toddlers meaningful choices to promote independence and reduce frustration.

Examples:

• Instead of “Put on your shoes,” say: “Do you want your red shoes or your boots?”
• Instead of “Time to leave,” say: “Would you like to walk or hold my hand?”

Small choices = big feelings of control.

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4. Use Simple Language for Big Emotions

Labeling emotions helps toddlers build the language they need for next time.

Try:

• “You’re feeling mad because I said no.”
• “You didn’t like when we had to leave. That felt really hard.”
• “It’s okay to feel angry. I’m right here with you.”

It may not stop the tantrum instantly, but over time, it builds emotional literacy and trust.

5. After the Storm: Repair and Reconnect

Tantrums pass. What matters most is what happens after.

Once your child is calm, reconnect through touch, play, or a snack. You don’t have to lecture, just reassure. Remind them: no matter what, your love is steady.

And if you lost your cool? Apologize gently. That models emotional responsibility, too.

Final Thoughts

Tantrums are not misbehavior, they’re communication. When you respond with calm and connection, you’re teaching your toddler one of the most important life lessons: it’s safe to feel big feelings.

And when you hold space for those feelings, even when it’s hard; you’re not just surviving tantrums. You’re building a strong, emotionally grounded human.

You’ve got this.