Parenting Kindly

The other day, my toddler threw herself on the floor because I cut her apple the “wrong way.” If you’ve ever had one of those moments where you wonder, How do I handle this without losing it?, you’re not alone.

Discipline is one of the hardest parts of parenting. We love our kids so deeply, yet we’re also human; tired, stretched thin, sometimes carrying our own childhood stories of discipline that weren’t always kind. It’s so easy to slip into shame-based responses without even realizing it.

I’ve caught myself saying things like, “Why are you acting like this?” or “Stop being so dramatic,” only to see my toddler’s face crumple. And every time, my heart hurts. That wasn’t the parent I wanted to be.

Over time, I’ve been learning that discipline doesn’t have to be about punishment or fear. It can be about guiding; calmly, firmly, and with respect. And the more I’ve leaned into that, the more connection I’ve seen with my child, even in the middle of the meltdowns.

Here’s what’s been helping me (and maybe it’ll help you, too):

1. Start with empathy, not lectures

When my toddler screams because the cup is the wrong color, my instinct is to say, “That’s silly, it doesn’t matter.” But to her, it does matter. It feels huge. So instead, I’ve started saying things like, “You really wanted the blue cup. That’s so frustrating.”

Sometimes she still cries, but I can see her body soften, because she feels seen. And often, the tantrum doesn’t last as long when I begin with empathy.

2. Hold the boundary anyway

Respect doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means holding the limit without shaming. For example:

• “I hear you don’t want to put on your pajamas. It’s bedtime, and pajamas come first. Do you want to hop like a frog or race me to get them on?”

She still resists sometimes, but giving a choice inside a boundary has been a game-changer. It shows her I mean what I say, but she still gets some control.

3. Drop the shame, keep the teaching

Growing up, discipline for me often came with phrases like, “You’re being bad” or “You should know better.” That shame sticks. I don’t want that for my child.

So I try to separate the behavior from the person:

• Instead of: “You’re so messy!”
• I’ll say: “The blocks need to stay on the floor so we don’t trip. Let’s put them back together.”

It takes more words, but it builds her identity around being capable and loved, not “bad.”

4. Model what calm looks like

This one is the hardest for me. Sometimes I want to yell. Sometimes I do yell. But I’ve been learning to take a pause, even if it means saying, “Mommy needs a breath right now.”

It’s not perfect, but it’s honest. And my toddler sees that calming down is a skill, not just something I expect of her.

Why This Matters

Toddlers are wired to push boundaries, it’s how they learn. But the way we respond can shape how they see themselves and how safe they feel with us. When discipline comes with shame, kids often learn to hide, lie, or shut down. When it comes with respect, they learn that mistakes are part of learning and that love doesn’t disappear when they mess up.

I’m still in the thick of it, figuring it out as I go. But every time I choose respect over shame, I see glimpses of the relationship I want long-term: one built on trust, safety, and connection.

And honestly, that makes the hard moments worth it.